(PG – contains mild swearing in in the final graph.)
ST ALBANS, Apr 10 – Hurrah, big Publishing will be in town next week for the London Book Fair! Picture the scene: thousands of suited-n-booted gatekeepers and shabby chic gatecrashers, smiling, smirking, slavering and slurping.
Beware the the stampede of the desperate for the roped off pen where literary agents be a-sitting in speed-dating judgement. It’s a cage fight. The Indians (Indie Authors) have been planning for weeks. Pitches – oh those killer pitches! – pitches fly like rocket-propelled tomahawks. Carnage, sheer bloody, caffeine-fuelled carnage, dahling! Love it!
Most will be swept aside like gnats in a cyclone. ‘Is that Becks? And Victoria? Surely not! Yes, yes it is. David! David! Got a five book deal! A ten book deal! Thirty book… SPLATT.
Meanwhile, our shabby chic wannabe has an agent’s card tucked away in her purse. And is now free to live the dream – and trawl the stands for freebie ebooks. (Odd how ebooks get made into pbooks? And why an ebook still need a cover. But who am I?)
Observe how said wannabe’s London Book Fair branded plastic bag is starting bulge with stuff and nonsense. But this is how it is. So it is. Ach, such is the weight of bookage her ego-thin heel snaps and there she lies and dies in an ego-thin heap in a fine layer of sushi spam in the rock record of life as we know it.
And so it goes. Well-spoken Swiss salesmen will press a bzillion hands and still look immaculate at three p.m., as they evangelise on and on and on the subject of toothpaste with content. You hadn’t heard? It’s all the rage. You clean your teeth and get Buzzfeed through your gums. No? Step this way! We at Pishtaken Press -no arse knowingly unlicked – have something big, bold, and beauteous for your E-go-a-go-go.
Oh, erm, and by the way, I almost forgot, my pitch: myBook.to/OneSwiftSummer