ST ALBANS, May 15 – ‘Brilliant, just brilliant from the first page to the last. I just couldn’t put it down and had tears the size of Labrador puppies rolling down my eyes. If you’re looking for a hot read that will really make you need a cold shower THIS IS FOR YOU’
‘Cute and awesome. #1 international bestseller. The latest in the MuckRaker SF-cum-YA tantric-gaia-fantasy series’
All seven pages of it. But don’t let a mere want of words deter you. Oh no! For The Emperor, actually it is more likely to be an Empress these days. For The Empress has done it again, has dug deep into her pornucopia of costume talent and pulled out a shimmering disco ball of dystopian, young adult, rolls your socks up and down, gun-toting, drug-fuelled crime writing, romance-cum-erotica, memoire meme, literature lite masterpiece you could ever want to download onto your beloved e-bleeder (free to Kindle select members).
Phew. Thank Amazon-Starbucks-Microsoft-Facebook and other bearded Brands for making our lives profitable
And so, beloved Empress – moving on to the Youtube intervu – 10 billion hits and likes, like, like-like-like-like-ike-ike-ike-ke-ke-ke-e-e-e-e. Let the record show your interviewer, Sir Lickspittle of Lower Lickspittle, Buckinghamshire – motto: no Rsss knowingly unlicked – Sir Licky-Lappy genuflects before THE BELOVED EMPRESS NUMBER ONE to suckle tenderly each and every one of her twelve talented toes, each razor sharp nail of which bears her omnipotence’s $ Brand logo.
‘Tell me dearest Empress, how do you do it? How did you achieve inter-galactic dominance with your MuckRaker Series of SF-cum-YA wonderworks? Get the box set of all 106 titles on Amazon here – 99cents exclusively to readers of this blog.
Let the record show said EMPRESS NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER IN THIS AND ALL OTHER UNIVERSES, KNOWN AND TO BE KNOWN miracles a stone, a slab of the purest thought from her Athena-kissed forehead upon which appear, as if by some celestial brilliance beyond ponderous philosophy and physics, these ’17 ways to boost your ebook $ales and achieve the $uccess you deserve’ – dash a $ Publishing Ink webinar is available at $399.
1. Spend more time on Facebook. Open more accounts. Cultivate more friends. Like more pages. Post more CUTE & AWESOME cat vids. For example one of your neighbour’s cat reading your lastest ebook product.
2. Buy a million twitter followers. Tweet, ‘Hi, I’m Taylor’. Never give too much away. Always leave them wondering and wanting more of your genius.
3. Work your way through $ Publishing Ink’s suite-to-suit of online cluster courses in Spam Marketing, Advanced Spam, PhD Spam, Black Belt 9th Dan Spam.
4. Meta data. The impotence of meta data cannot be stressed highly enough and must be at the top of any list of must-dos. $Publishing Ink has a short $9.99 per month special offer on right now in how to boost your meta data spam count. (Highly Recommended by Meta Gym Bunny).
5. Be post-post-post modern in your 360 degree orientation and image action analysis profile. This will bring you super-uber-mega-massive hipster approval feedbacks.
6. Go to as many industry related gatherings such as the London Book Fair and the Dallas RT fest. And don’t overlook a series of book signings at a bookshop near you. Remember: the way to go is super micro.
7. E-mail Chimp. Don’t be a chumpa-wamba, learn to chimp-chimminee your way to THE SUCCESS YOU DESERVE.
8. Disengage brain.
9. Forget gramma n spulling and other eleetist shit. Cause this is an inclusive peoples media, OK? We is in the golden age of da peoples voice. MONSTA!
10. Write another book or three. And don’t let nobody tell you that they need to be more than about 7-9 pages. No one will thank you for writing a book of more than 20 pages these days. Who has the time?
12. Set up a mega-facebook bake off. Sort it.
13. Smile. Count money. Repeat. A book a week should be your start up aim – minimum. You will soon be doing a book a day.
Plant this priceless marble in the garden of your dreams. And remember – you read The Emperor’s New Book here first, last, and forever yours. Sir Lickspittle of Lower Lickspittle *bows*
This book was brought to you by R J Askew Ink – a division of Pisstaken Press, Satire Central St Albans.